Brian

Wed, 23 Dec 2009 22:42:44 GMT

i finished college, and then six hours later i left my phone number for a cute bartender. so far the real world isn't bad.

Mon, 21 Dec 2009 10:02:10 GMT

finishing college in just over twenty four hours and things are good, y'all

Sat, 28 Nov 2009 08:11:14 GMT

i have always wanted to use the word "bollocks" in everyday conversation. the opportunity has yet to present itself, but i haven't given up hope yet.

Mon, 23 Nov 2009 04:55:46 GMT

three and a half years of college and i'm in love with all of my friends, terrified of leaving but happy to move on knowing how much i've loved being with each and every one of them

Mon, 09 Nov 2009 06:10:47 GMT

so over trying, but it sure ain't fair if you get it first.

no one has any idea what i'm talking about, i'm not concerned by it. look, i just want lucky number seven. sooner rather than later would be awesome. i don't know where to find it anymore. i am in disbelief that school is ending in six weeks, and that's forever in six weeks. i have no idea what i'm going to do with my life. i went back to revere this weekend and it was weird and uncomfortable and i mostly feel over that whole scene and city and lifestyle and i can't decide if that means i grew up or grew out.

possibly both.

on two separate planes that sometimes lock into place and are sometimes wildly separate. do i want to find one that's perfectly parallel or is it better to not be?

i have a thesis to write but things are not as easy to document as you think they are.

instead of loneliness, how about twoliness?

life is so weird

STOP RAMBLING, BRIAN, YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY OUT OF YOUR MIND

Sat, 31 Oct 2009 01:47:36 GMT

never sure if it's happiness or not, but i usually fall somewhere in between anyway.

Tue, 06 Oct 2009 05:23:02 GMT

think think think think

would like to be standing on a bridge at two in the morning, spilling my guts and my fears and not having any pretenses and just honesty. would like to know what any of that means. would like to know lots of answers. maybe i need to walk the beach.

Because it is senior year, I have begun to look
at things as potential absences.
The things I love will become the things I miss.

it's funny how things, some things, become relevant again.

three more months. real world.

bring it.

Wed, 30 Sep 2009 04:42:35 GMT

since when am i old enough to graduate from college?

just wondering.

Fri, 11 Sep 2009 04:07:41 GMT

so i put my hands up, they're playing my song, you know i'm gonna be okay

twenty one and invincible, or something like that

Sun, 30 Aug 2009 23:57:56 GMT

today at work, as she was purchasing a green line related souvenir item, an older woman advised me not to get on the green line at all.

"why?" i asked, trying to be polite. i figured she was going to complain about the lack of air conditioning or some other such elderly complaint.

"because," she said, gesturing to her husband, "forty years ago, i was on the green line. arborway via huntington, they called it then. a car had slid onto the tracks and we had to wait forty five minutes for them to tow it away. and i would catch him looking at me, and then he'd look away. and then he'd look back and i'd look away. forty five minutes of that."

"and here we are now," her husband said, giving her a pat on the shoulder. "so don't get on the green line," he reiterated with a wink.

they finished their purchase, took their receipt and walked away.

"actually," the wife said, turning her head over her shoulder, "when you're ready... get on the green line."

& they kissed and left the store.

okay. cool. where do i get on?

Fri, 21 Aug 2009 03:10:34 GMT

and we're gonna have some fun.

Fri, 07 Aug 2009 23:26:03 GMT

where the wild things are.

Sun, 12 Jul 2009 22:52:18 GMT

a general to do list, in no particular order.

- graduate college
- find a job
- write a book
- become wildly successful
- happiness
- get a date

better get cracking, i guess.

Mon, 25 May 2009 07:16:28 GMT

i want to lie on my back in sand that will stick to my clothes and my hair and not wash our for days but it will all have been worth it for five minutes of cool sand like water between my toes and exhaling into the saturated air that hangs like gauze above an abandoned beach after dusk.

i want to find someone new, she said. someone who will walk with me in the snow at night and not find it stupid or pointless. they'll come by when i get off work and we'll talk about life and how much we love it and we'll go on adventures...and i'll never be lonely again.

and i had never heard anything more true, more sad, more hopeful.

i want to dance with abandon on the streets at eleven in the morning. i want to tumble down a hill and get grass stains on my knees. i want the ease of a teenage routine, the pavement paradise that you once called home and that you know you wouldn't go back to, not for long, just to look around and mourn what is different before moving on.

johnEpoopoopant (7:09:14 PM): its like..
johnEpoopoopant (7:09:21 PM): mangled. dr. mengala
look brian is on (7:09:38 PM): mistaken ms dakin
johnEpoopoopant (7:09:42 PM): exactly.
look brian is on (7:10:07 PM): exactly.

i want to stumble down cobblestone alleys in a city where i can't speak the language, anticipation for the unknown next step burning in all of us, dizzying steps giving way to laughter and the intoxication of being lost and in love with the world.

"life is thrilling. just ask michael jackson." - bonnie dudley

look around, breathe, think about where you are and how far you've come, and ask yourself if you know how you got there. it doesn't matter where you're going, although knowing that might come in handy. really, goals are attainable. i want memories and scenes and paragraphs from the past seven years to come together like puzzle pieces, show me what's next, except that would ruin the fun, wouldn't it?

easier said than done.

i think i would be friends with myself, although i do talk a lot.

Tue, 19 May 2009 05:32:10 GMT

drunk and happy. let's get crazy. happier. work on it.

over and out.

Sat, 16 May 2009 06:38:08 GMT

alright, bye kid. i'll see you - never.

you know, it's funny. what, if anything, can we really use to measure the passage of time? who decided that a day was a day? who sat down, counted one-one-thousand and said, THAT is a second. i'm changing it. i just decided, here and now, fuck five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred minutes and seconds and days. (sorry, obligatory rent ref. we're done with that now.) i mean, don't. but isn't the important part the moments, the milestones, the revelations? the year of living dangerously. the year of magical drinking. the year of bad decisions. that's what new years are all about: the the old year is defined by what will change in the new one, for good or for bad.

well, god damn it, happy new year.

it's summer and the sun is out and i live in a good place with good friends and need to drop stupid crushes and stupid indecision and stupid overthinking start figuring out - if not what i want - then what makes me happy. never close doors. never burn bridges.

go to bed, stop thinking.

the year of finally understanding.

maybe.

Mon, 27 Apr 2009 00:54:28 GMT

okay, so i'm crazy. i guess i can deal. who even knows anymore, honestly?

Thu, 02 Apr 2009 20:04:24 GMT

trying not to be crazy trying not to be crazy trying not to be crazy

Mon, 23 Feb 2009 08:18:56 GMT

i'm having one of those nights where sleep just doesn't want to happen.
but at least i have the internet, huh?
i'm not really sure what life is like right now.
school, work, sleep, rinse and repeat.
not a bad life, necessarily. just not the most fulfilling.

i really just want a playmate, and also someone to make out with a lot.

too much to ask?

Tue, 27 Jan 2009 21:04:46 GMT

once upon a time, i went to europe for four months.

nine months after getting back, here i am still thinking about it. i don't know. lately, it's been bothering me, wondering if i took enough advantage of everything, wondering if i did everything i could, explored every nook and cranny of the netherlands and beyond. which i know i didn't. not because i didn't want to, but because it was impossible to explore everywhere. but i do hope i did enough to make it worthwhile. best four months of my life, bar none, and i hope they weren't wasted because i didn't take advantage of them as best i could.

but i know i got everything from that experience that it could possibly have given me.

i'm sure people are tired of hearing me talk about it, but all i can think about sometimes is how much i'd rather be there, with nothing to worry about but the next flight. i just want to keep talking about it to keep the memories alive in me. and i know it's stupid to keep trying to relive it, because all you get is a hundred days and they kick you out, send you back to this country with nothing but several suitcases, thousands of photos, and your memories to show for it.

the transience of the experience, someone told me once, is part of the beauty. which i understand, because being there forever would ruin some of the magic, the fleeting wonderment, the preciousness. it would lose its value. but what i wouldn't give for one more week, two more weeks. anything just to feel the rush of arriving in a new city, of waking up and leaning out the window to breathe in the springy castle air. to go down to the linden for a drink, to walk along the river maas and just exist.

i think it's because someone so close to me is there right now that i'm feeling it this hard. because sure it hurt when i came back, when school started again and i was here. but knowing exactly what they're going through as they're going through it, to hear the excitement and the panic, to see the world over there unfold for them as it did for me, is hardly easy. but at the same time, i'm SO excited for them because I KNOW WHAT IT FEELS LIKE and i'm so happy that they get to go through this experience, the same way i did. only it's different for everybody, that's what i have to remember. i had my time in the sun, and i took away from it everything i could. now it's his turn to take away from it what he needs to take from it.

the kasteel well experience comes to us when we need it. i don't need it anymore. i can live contented with my perfect, unalterable memories, live happy knowing that i had a life-changing experience, and that's all i need. just give me some time.

dank u wel.

♥

Sun, 04 Jan 2009 04:18:04 GMT

some good things about 2008:

- one hundred days in the most beautiful place in the world, kasteel well, the netherlands
- a new home that i love with people who love me
- joa, katherine and molly
- michael joseph
- amazing new friends
- CARNIVAL
- falling in love
- falling out of love and being okay
- easter festivals in prague
- new jobs, being successful in what i'm doing
- having no idea what i want to do with my life anymore
- traveling on my own
- thanksgiving in space
- the joy i felt the night i came back from europe
- being proud of myself
- starting to write new, good things, looking for a direction
- christina carlson's class
- making mistakes
- walking down the streets of foreign countries with only the slightest idea of where i was
- talking to joa the other night. i know it was 2009, technically, but still.
- being independent
- did i mention i went to europe?

some things i want from 2009:

- to figure my stupid shit out when it comes to boys and love and seriousness
- to figure out what i want from life when 2009 is over and i'm a real grown-up
- to write my book
- to write more, period.
- to become better friends with certain people in my life
- to keep my friendships with people i don't see enough
- to travel more, to explore where i live now, to adventure
- to spend more time with the people who matter while we still can

things are good, if confusing.

here's to another year.

♥

Wed, 05 Nov 2008 04:58:20 GMT

"Just one lone voice in an enormous body of sound. Just one unique person at one unique moment, there to witness something monumental.

I was a part of history.

We are all a part of history."

♥

Sun, 26 Oct 2008 05:14:48 GMT

sometimes, i want to update livejournal

things are interesting.
college, year three
really? time passes so quickly and i want to grab and hold onto it.
but i can't and maybe that's a good thing.

i miss europe every day but i'm moving on from
that transcendental experience and living
in the every day, the mundane,
the musical and the magical, the simple and the plain
and sometimes, that's okay.

i'm writing a book. for real, this time.
about everything that could have been.
maybe.

i miss you, and you, and maybe even you.
god, how cryptic. lame. what a lame-o.

but things are searingly honest and true,
and i have no way to censor them when i feel
like the whole world is looking at me on the roof
of a beacon hill apartment, drenching me in rain
and truth.

i love you, you know that.

i do love life.

amen.

Wed, 06 Aug 2008 00:35:13 GMT

i am in the middle of many things in life.

i am happy we can still scream the words to our favorite songs and sit where we used to and lose ourselves in the empty air pouring by the car windows as we drive through a town we have grown up in and grown past. i am thankful for the times when life breathes into a part of me that has been quiet and withered for so long.

i am sad for people who can't untangle their lives and who no longer want me as part of theirs, but life goes on and we do what we can and there are some people who, no matter the gap between them, will fit together.

like pangaea.

and there are people who won't let themselves. and i guess that's okay.

i am growing up and that's scary and it's the real world and it's new friends and new loves and a new life and sometimes i can't reconcile the old with the new but sometimes i can and when i do, i know that somehow i'm doing something right.

and isn't that all anyone can ask for?

Wed, 02 Jul 2008 01:19:03 GMT

you know, i really do enjoy my life.